If I Was a Disney Princess, I’d Probably Still Be Single

If you grew up during the 1990s, you were raised in the midst of whats called the Disney Renaissance era. Lucky you!!! This decade, beginning with The Little Mermaid in 1989 and ending with Tarzan in 1999, depicts the lives of young women, and a few young men, through a series of adventurous love stories. This court of Disney royalty enchanted girls and boys, showing them a glimpse of what adulthood would be like and what they should hope for in relationships. Unfortunately, not a lot of us grew up to be real princesses, mermaids, or warriors, but we still hoped for an exciting romance “worth fighting for.” As we now approach quarter life, a lot of us are still single and the only logical direction to point your accusatory fingers is at Disney.

Following in the footsteps of Aurora, who had an unhealthy fascination with needles, some women are tattooed from head to toe and there’s a very small audience of men waiting to pair up with a living mural. The Cinderellas of the world have little to no self-worth looking for a man with heavy pockets to fill her own and save her from a life of hard knocks. Suspicions run high of a woman with no girlfriends. Enter the hot girls like Snow White, living with seven dudes, falling victim to the queen of all haters and falling in love with any guy who kisses her.

Thankfully, Disney attempted to move away from the weak-minded damsels twiddling the their tiaras until their rescued with the introduction of Ariel at the start of the Renaissance period. She was an adventurous girl with an indecisive head on her shoulders wishing for legs to open for the first prince on land she saw. Again they gave us another thrill loving girl, with the sexy sun-kissed Pocahontas,  spawning free loving hippies running around barefoot for men to score an easy catch. Clingy, spoiled Jasmine brats expect men to fall at their Louboutin heels and are still searching for the unlikely perfect fairytale, i.e. Kim Kardashian. Mulan lovers are kinky cross-dressers and possibly lesbians… As a matter of fact, the Mulan types are probably not single because yay for Lesi-love!!! Belle is really the only well-rounded girl Disney presented to our young imaginations. She’s book smart and self-assured. She isn’t shaken by the Beast’s intense appearance or savage aggression, but wants only to save her father. With consistency and warmth, she melts him and literally turns the Beast into a man. How is that for art imitating life?! If you are an awesome catch like her, then you only have to worry about multiple men fighting over you, but that’s a good problem to have… Right?

As for the Disney Princes, there’s really a lot less diversity. Prince Eric was easily deceived by a pretty face and a velvety voice, yet could not close the deal with Ariel despite a spectacular marine orchestra setting the perfect mood for a kiss. Hercules, also blinded by lips, hips and flirty eyes, was noble in that he was willing to risk everything to save Meg’s life. The majority of them choose their companions based on looks alone with the exception of the Beast. Not really surprising considering the young lady he fell for. Despite his crabby disposition, he is the prince with the most depth and purity of heart. Like many men, he leads with a stoney exterior, only to find a strong desire for love underneath.

Disney missed the mark of defining true love during our childhood many times, but finally got it right with Beauty and the Beast. There are only a few days left to see this masterpiece in theatres in 3D. So whether you are spending Valentine’s Day with a fifth of vodka or with your one and only, hopefully, through this tale as old as time, you can learn that love is really about trust, consistency and respect so we can all live happily ever after.

The End.

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